If anyone was going to do it, it might as well have been the crack addict with no inhibitions. Kanye's already responded. He didn't throw a bitch fit. He only quipped back on his blog: "AMY WINEHOUSE HATES ME!!! NOW I'VE REALLY MADE IT!!! LOL!!!!"
Translation: He doesn't want it...and who could blame him? One bite from her and he'll have to be put down like Cujo.
This is the downside of getting a drug addict to do a sober person's job. No one takes your opinion seriously. And really, isn't that comment one Kanye should give a little consideration to? Let's look on the bright(er?) side: At least Amy sounded good singing the line. Impressive for someone who treats their throat like a trash chute.
Apparently she sat next to Beyonce following her performance at Glastonbury. She opened for Jay. I wonder if asked Mrs. Carter if she could smoke a piece of her weave.
I hate to be so blunt about it, but I don't want her to die, but I get the feeling I care more about her health than she does. That's never a good sign.
With all due respect to Entertainment Weekly (a publication I actually enjoy), my response to their “New 100 Classics List” is: the hell. The magazine rated the 100 best albums from 1983-2008, but not only is their rankings a bit odd, it ignores many classics – particularly of those in the R&B genre that can’t be classified as “pop light.”
For example, as much as I love Lauryn Hill, is The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill really the second best album released in twenty five years? Is The College Dropout the fourth? Madonna’s debut the fifth?
They kicked off the list with Purple Rain. Eh, but having said that, where is Sign O’ The Times on the list? Likewise, The Blueprint is #7, but where’s Reasonable Doubt?
And how can you include Rhythm Nation (#54) but not the .janet album or the The Velvet Rope albums?
I like Back to Black, but #9, seriously?
And just how in the hell did Dangerously In Love make the list (at #19)? Same for Back to Basics and Britney? None of these albums are even the respective artists’ best offering.
So many people laud Tidal (#20), but When The Pawn… is a much superior album.
And get this: The Emancipation of Mimi is ranked just below Tidal. To that I say: Stop playing Mariah’s dual medicine cabinet/wine cellar. Where are my Butterfly fans? Emancipation is something I enjoyed at the time, but soon forgot about. Kind of like The Writing's On The Wall (#92).
It’s good to see some of my favorites listed (My Life #70, Stankonia #12, Illmatic #28, CrazySexyCool #36, It Takes A Nation Of Millions to Hold Us Back #55, Trap Muzik #95, Mama’s Gun #64, Ready To Die #40), but the exclusion of the debuts of Erykah Badu, D’Angelo, and Maxwell make me question the credibility of this list. But you know what? Their omission explains why of all the offerings of Alicia Keys to choose from, they go with her most soulless offering.
I’m about to turn on Toni Braxton’s first two albums and sing really loud off key. Shortly thereafter I will hit myself in the throat and sing select tracks from the Aaliyah album.
After that, I’m turning on the Bad album and telling the crafters of this list to pull over and get their get it right. How can you put Dangerously In Love on here and not Bad?
I won’t even get on my Jodeci stan kick.
You can read the rest of this list by clicking here.
Forty years ago, Black people started to use graffiti art as a means of social and political expression. It was also used as a way to bring beauty to otherwise ugly conditions. Now it's being used by malt liquor companies to sell Colt 45. Do some of these corporations have any dignity at all? I know, I know: It's a malt-liquor company, of course not.
Thankfully, by the time I started to tackle this, I read that protests from various residents of Philly - where the ad is placed - have led to it being painted over.
"Works every time?" Apparently not. Still, isn't this despicable? The person that allowed the faux mural to be painted on his wall is no less despicable.
Jeff Rosenblum, the owner of Jay's Pedal Power on Girard Avenue, has a graffiti-style ad painted on the wall next to his bike shop. It shows young people dancing in a party setting while they drink malt liquor. It features the Colt 45 slogan: "Works every time."
Rosenblum said he had reviewed the design beforehand and "personally did not see anything offensive."
But the city says ads like that one, placed by Pabst Brewing Co. around Fishtown and South Street, are illegal because they were put up without permission and wants them taken down.
"I think it's totally silly," Rosenblum said of the complaints. He said the city and civic organizations should go after big billboards and leave small-business operators like himself alone."
Translation: I have 40 ounces to sell.
I understand that business is business, and alcohol and tobacco products are a fixture of American society and companies advertise to every group (although more emphasis is placed on certain groups more than others), but this ad is tactless and transparent.
If you can't read the bottom right caption, it says, "Yo, enjoy our frosty malt beverages responsibly!"
Somehow I doubt you'll see this ad in the suburbs or near any swank downtown luxury apartment complexes. Just the other day the people over at Ciroc Vodka essentially won the biggest prize at this year's BET Awards. Still, Ciroc Vodka advertises to every Vodka enthusiast. It's clear Colt 45 is targeting one type of group with this ad campaign?
This entry and its accompanying video are both dedicated to those who inhabit the city of New York.
A few weeks ago I read an AP article that said one-fourth of the city's residents have herpes.
According to that article, a survey stated that about 26% of all New York adult residents have genital herpes. It seems the herpes rate is higher among women, black people and gay men. Sounds like someone's trying to kill off my core readership. I'm glad I've been reaching out to Romania, the Ukraine, Japan, the U.K. and Australia.
Anyhow, today I came across another article that says more and more New Yorkers are contracting sexually transmitted diseases because fewer people are using condoms.
The department surveyed 10,000 adults in the five boroughs, and found that many are putting themselves at risk by having unsafe sex.
Forty percent of all New Yorkers engaged in sex without a condom with multiple partners.
In a year that has seen sex scandals involving top local politicians, the survey also addresses the issue of cheating. Five percent of New Yorkers admitted to having sex outside their relationship.
Men are three times more likely than women to report multiple partners.
That explains why New York is Bumpy Town. Thanks to that article now whenever, "Where Brooklyn at?" I'm going to assume the answer is the free clinic.
D.L. Hughley was about as funny as constipation last nite. He had a few moments, but overall it was like his old shtick from a decade old edition of Comic View only not as good. But hey, if he’s still getting hosting gigs, he must be doing something right. That or Mo’Nique asked for a break. Also not funny was the award show banter -- minus Niecy Nash, of course.
Where were all the winners? For the few awards they actually handed out at the BET Concert Awards, most of them didn’t seem to show up. Did folks wake up Tuesday morning and say, “I ain’t going to that shit?”
Everyone needs to give it up to Michael Jackson, because even when he’s not there he’s still the star of the show. Ne-Yo needs to send Michael a check for recreating the “Smooth Criminal” video last night.
Negro Please Quote of the Night: “We’re blessed to be in T-Pain’s presence.”
Someone should ask Kanye what it tastes like. Probably beef flavored Ramen noodles, weed, red Koolaid, and bad breath.
That other comment he made: “I’m one of the king’s right now, so my opinion counts” – there’s so many different reasons to laugh at that.
This is “Generation Next?” Should I take a deep sigh now or at least be grateful that Soulja Boy plans to vote (take that, Nasir)?
Keyshia Cole looked great, but sounded like Frankie fresh off a pipe run. And she was doing so well lately. No Longer Lil’ Kim was irrelevant – and didn’t they bring her out with Keyshia last year?
Alicia did well. One of the highlights of the night. Lil’ Wayne seemed timid for him. I enjoyed “A Milli,” but overall very average for him. Same for Jill Scott.
Yay. It was good to see SWV, not necessarily hear them. I loved the group, but Coko was not on it yesterday. T-Bone looked like she had just woken up. Chilli looked so happy to be on stage. Enjoy it while it lasts, Frosty.
Usher: Oh how the mighty have fallen. Whatever that odd note was at the end sounded like back pain. I enjoyed Old Jeezy more. I hate “Love In This Club” now, by the way. He should look into a retirement villa. Bring Nelly.
Rihanna sounded really good. Go her.
No disrespect to T-Pain, because I applaud his hustle, but am I the only one who finds him incredibly corny? He still reminds me of the oldest Gummy Bear/an Ewok.
And now for the best of the night:
I am so glad that John Legend didn’t take part in the Al Green tribute. If he was that boring just standing on stage, I can only imagine his performance. Whatever planet Maxwell flew in from, revoke his visa and force him to stay. He killed it!
I have nothing bad to say about Chris. Absolutely nothing. He and Ciara did very well. Speaking of Ciara, can someone please tell her she’s sexy so she can stop trying to bounce her muscle butt on stage to prove that she’s ultra-feminine and sexy. Y’know, because selling sex is what makes you oh so different.
As for that post-show goes: That's the best Ciroc commercial I've ever seen. As a matter of fact, this blog entry is brought to you by the great people at Ciroc Vodka.
Am I wrong for laughing at this? I’m not sure if this is Soulja Boy’s brainchild solely, but he uploaded it and either way it’s funny as hell.
I’m a little put off that playing Super Nintendo is a considered a credible insult these days, but then again, Soulja Boy was born in 1990. I could care less what he thinks.
To be honest, outside of “Cop Killer,” I can’t think of one Ice-T song. The most I remember about Ice-T is killing JC’s fiancé on New York Undercover. So basically, I know him for being Danny-O (or wait, is it Danny Up? Whatever) and marrying Coco. Other than that, you got me. I understand that he’s a pioneer in hip-hop, but he’s a little past my time so my knowledge of his music career is limited. West Coast readers: help me out.
I don’t agree with Ice-T in placing the fall of hip-hop on Soulja Boy, but he has a right to his opinion as faulty as it is. But just the idea of a 50-year-old man arguing with Soulja Boy is laughable.
I mean, it’s Soulja Boy -- the glimmer of hope to all crack babies. Do you really want to beef with someone like that at 50? On top of that, Soulja Boy comes off as the mature one. Yes, the moron that pisses off of hotel balconies for kicks is the example of maturity in this silly beef.
Do me a favor, Ice-T. Listen to Face Mob.
Now let it go, Ice-T. Go play with Coco’s ass or something.
Never one to miss an opportunity to exploit someone else’s fame and success to increase his own celebrity, Diddy Puff wasted no time in shooting a video with newly christened King of Hip-Hop, Lil’ Wayne for his video blog on YouTube.
Besides using their lips to massage each other’s cheeks, Puff Puff Diddy asked Wayne to share tips to would be superstar emcees. I don’t know about ya’ll, but I found Wayne’s tips to be pretty boring.
I’m not a multi-platinum ringtone seller (yet), but I have much better tips.
Like:
1. Don’t go to school. A GED can't get you on BET.
2. Say n*gga a lot. To the point where I think you either owned slaves or you really, really, really, really love Black people (y’know, since it’s a term of endearment).
3. Say b*tch and f*g a lot, too. As a matter of fact, be as misogynistic as possible then whine like a little girl on your records. Or sing like Ashanti's your vocal coach. Folks will call you sexy because of it. As for the homos, say you hate gay people over and over again, then walk around oiled up in your video and tell another man to suck your dick. Don't forget to say 'no homo' as much as humanly possible, though.
4. Shoot somebody. And if that’s too much for you, lie and say you did. Go even further: Say you killed somebody. When folks ask for proof, just get some tear tats on your face. Folks will forget the only person you ever shot was yourself. Trust me.
5. Can’t rap? Get a ghostwriter. I heard Gillie is available.
6. Smoke weed. To the point where your mouth looks like Philly’s blunts gave birth to you.
7. Buy a vocoder.
8. Visit your relatives in the south. Swagger jack their accents. Look: We rule the world right now.
9. Two words: Call T-Pain.
10. You know how Wayne said, “You don’t try to be different, because when you’re trying to be different you end up being the same, because everyone’s trying to be different.” That was actually pretty profound, but look who’s co-signing him in the video.
That’s the same person who’s made a fortune selling people an image of how they're supposed to be. So sure, “do you,” but do you in a way that talks about the same shit as everyone else. Word to shiny suits.
The second I get a little annoyed by Barack Obama, I’m reminded that there’s no way in hell I would ever consider voting for the alternative. Thanks as always, Karl Rove.
And just what does the spinmaster have to say this time? Plenty apparently. Thanks to Karl Rove’s “genius” i.e. playing on the racial prejudices, homophobia, and religious intolerance that millions of American bigots harbor, Rove successfully led a ditzy, ex-coke head with a famous last name to the presidency twice. Now he’s trying to do the same thing with old man McCain.
This time he plans to put us in another four years of misery by marginalizing Barack Obama as the uppity Negro.
According to ABC News, while at a breakfast with "Republican insiders" Rove said of Obama: "Even if you never met him, you know this guy. He's the guy at the country club with the beautiful date, holding a martini and a cigarette that stands against the wall and makes snide comments about everyone who passes by."
Only in American politics can a Black man raised by a single mother that grew up on food stamps be described as the love child of Carlton Banks and Bryant Gumble with the chance of people actually falling for it.
If you missed this previous post, Barack Obama was getting his credit card declined at car rental places in this decade. That means, despite being involved in politics for years, he still wasn’t rich. Unlike some people, he didn’t have a trust fund to milk – be it the one handed to him by his father (Bush) or the one given to his wife (McCain).
Obama didn’t have any money until four years ago after matching that speech at the convention. That's when white people were like, “HEY THAT'S NOT JESSE!” and then went out and bought his book. No offense, white people. I’m happy he wasn’t Jesse or Al, too.
Obama has Newport mouth and Rove’s trying to make him martini man? He can’t be serious. I wish they would lock him in a room with Michelle. She looks like the type of woman who carries a razor under-the-tongue as a security.
I’m going to give American people the benefit of the doubt this time, and assume that this old style of politics won’t work.
Rove also added that he believes Obama to be “coolly arrogant.” He does have a certain air to him, but that other description of Obama should only be believed by people with access to George Bush’s old stash. Why is Karl Rove still making the news anyway? Shouldn’t he be in jail by now?
A friend bought me The Secret Life of Bees earlier this year. I’m not the biggest fan of fiction, but I really enjoyed this book. It’s extremely well-written and was one of those books that I didn’t want to put down.
I remember bringing it with me to an Obama rally months ago, and an older white woman looked at me and said, “Oh I loved that book. It’s nice to see a man reading it. I’ve only seen women with it.” As she was smiling, I thought, “Did this old bitty just do me?” Turns out, if you look at the back of the book, part of the publisher’s description reads: “This is a remarkable novel about divine female power, a story that women will share and pass on their daughters for years to come.”
They meant to add “… in addition to men without vagina envy that can appreciate good writing.” Just to be on the safe side, I might pass out copies of The World According To Pretty Toney to random females come December.
My friend bought me the book in anticipation for the upcoming film. The cast includes the likes of Dakota Fanning (aka Jodie Foster the Sequel), Jennifer Hudson, Queen Latifah, Alicia Keys, and Tristan Wilds from The Wire.
If you’ve never heard of the book, the story goes as follows:
Set in South Carolina in 1964, The Secret Life of Bees tells the story of Lily Owens, whose life has been shaped around the blurred memory of the afternoon her mother was killed. When Lily's fierce-hearted black "stand-in-mother", Rosaleen, insults three of the deepest racists in town, Lily decides to spring them both free from jail. They escape to Tiburon, South Carolina -- a town that holds the secret to her mother's past. Taken in by an eccentric trio of black beekeeping sisters, Lily is introduced to their mesmerizing world of bees and honey, and the Black Mary.
If you haven’t read the book, I invite you to check it out. Book adaptations can go either way. But, judging from the cast, I’m thinking this movie might turn out pretty well.
Look: Be happy none of these chicks are on a pole, have a problem with their baby's daddy, or plan to hit the stroll to pay back their pawn shop loan.
Another movie I’m looking forward to is Spike Lee’s Miracle at St. Anna.
I always complain about how Black films of substance are so hard to come by, so when there’s a film from a Black director that fills that void, I have to support it. I hope Spike is finally recognized by the Academy for his hard work. And, check out Laz Alonso. Way to go, Bison!
Swagger jacker of the week honors go to Kia Motors, who is no doubt trying to ride the Obama wave to move as many cars off the lot as possible. Yes we can? More like ya'll ain't right.
$11,888 is not a bad deal for an SUV. Too bad it's going to cost $11,888 dollars to fill that thing up by Christmas.
We often to speak of liberty, but here's an example of your elected leaders protecting our rights:
After months of wrangling, Democratic and Republican leaders in Congress struck a deal on Thursday to overhaul the rules on the government's wiretapping powers and provide what amounts to legal immunity to the phone companies that took part in President Bush's program of eavesdropping without warrants after the Sept. 11 attacks.
The deal, expanding the government's powers to spy on terrorism suspects in some major respects, would strengthen the ability of intelligence officials to eavesdrop on foreign targets. It would also allow them to conduct emergency wiretaps without court orders on American targets for a week if it is determined that important national security information would otherwise be lost. If approved, as appears likely, the agreement would be the most significant revision of surveillance law in 30 years.
Why?
Just in the first three months of 2008, recent lobbyist disclosure statements reveal that AT&T spent $5.2 million in lobbyist fees (putting it well ahead of its 2007 pace, when it spent just over $17 million). In the first quarter of 2008, Verizon spent $4.8 million on lobbyist fees, while Comcast spent $2.6 million. So in the first three months of this year, those three telecoms -- which would be among the biggest beneficiaries of telecom amnesty (right after the White House) -- spent a combined total of almost $13 million on lobbyists. They're on pace to spend more than $50 million on lobbying this year -- just those three companies.
Figures. Bush willfully breaks the law, and instead of Congress standing a stand, they give him more power because they'd rather appease lobbyists than the people they represent.
We criticize other nations for violating the individual rights of its citizens yet our democratically elected leaders govern and legislate at the will of multinational corporations. In essence, it's the same bullshit we accuse other people of doing, only in this country it's packaged differently, and kept out of sight, out of mind purposely by the media. I mean, we have more important things to worry about than our phone conversations and internet activity being archived, right? Jamie Lynn Spears just had a baby, and Angelina is due soon!
Meanwhile, 36 years after Saddam Hussein nationalized the oil industry in Iraq, Exxon Mobile has finally made its way back into the country. Mission accomplished indeed.
The horny Gremlins of R&B are back and I haven’t been this excited about a music act returning since Joey Lawrence tried another album.
It’s funny, because just a couple of hours ago I was driving and there was an old school mix running on the radio. They were playing Snow’s “Informer,” Skee-Lo’s “I Wish,” and some old Digable Planets. For a second, I remembered how much fun even the cheesiest offerings from the 90s were. And now, I see this video.
I like the nods to SWV, Jodeci, Aaliyah, Mary J. Blige, Xscape/En Vogue, and Salt ‘n Pepa. Then you actually listen to the song. These bugawolves have about as much talent as a pigeontoed bowlegged stripper. I was really hoping that when their lead screamer left the group, the rest of them would fade into oblivion.
But, judging from their new member and his ‘dance breakdown’ it might not take much longer. What was he supposed to be doing?
I’m posting this for comedic reasons only. I could ramble on about how in no way is The Carter III is comparable to Ready To Die, Illmatic, and The Blueprint, but what’s the point? This is coming from Diddy Puff. Besides people tend to automatically equate sales with quality, so for next couple of weeks, months, and maybe even the next year to come, people will continue to swing from Lil Druggie’s sac like he invented syrup. It’s Wayne’s World…cup time, ya dig?
For those Wayne fans out there, let me know why The Carter III is a classic. I’m open to being taught something. So gon’ head. Expound. My eyes (at least one of them, damn stress twitch, are open to read).
For those of you who don’t drink Nyquil like it’s Kool-Aid, enjoy Puff Puff Diddy. Say what you will about the man (I know I do), but he’s a character. Never boring. I admire that.
Wayne is officially the biggest rapper in the world. I have all 1,005,545 of you to thank for that. Come get your gift. It's wrapped in fire. I keed, I keed. In this video, Weezy F. Rehab thanks his fans, then starts talking about old book drives like he's eight-years-old. As usual, I don't know what the hell he's talking about. I'm assuming maybe he's joking, then again who am I kidding? His most cherished possession - a Styrofoam cup - is in the background, so you know how that goes.
Syrup works wonders. It also kills them. But you know what? Congrats to Wayne, and more importantly, shout out to his drug dealer. That's who's really celebrating.
Edit: So I just listened to the 'A Milli' remix (that was quick), maybe it's just me, but whenever Wayne says, "Young Moolah, baby" I think of Gargamel (from The Smurfs). I bet that's what Gargamel would sound like if he were crying. Carry on.
Now that he's gotten off, Zorro is moving forward with plans to promote his new album. Indeed, Superpiss has a contests for his fans. The 41-year-old singer/songwriter/pedophile wants to see some braids, ya'll! The contest compliments his T-Pain swagger-jacking track first single, "Hairbraider." If only he were braiding hair in a jail cell.
Upload your braided head and let Pissy's flock of enablers rate you on the following scale:
Lookin' like SPAGHETTI! Super tight Cornrows Frizzy Straight back wack
The hell? First, this fool is over 40 with braids. Secondly, he's over 40 singing about his hairbraider. Third, who came up with this contest? It's probably the same person who told Piper Piss that copying the Cowardly Lion's hairstyle and using Mary's Breakthrough braid was a good look for the video. The sad part is that I'm almost certain a bunch of people upload their pics.
Yet another reason why he should be pissing in a hole.
My eye won’t stop twitching. It’s been that way for two days now. They say it’s a sign of stress. As in fatigue -- y’know, being tired…or sick and tired. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
I would call it a block, but at this point it’s more like a levee. I’ve been having a really hard time wrapping my mind about things to write about. That’s unusual for me. I read all day, and have an opinion on just about everything. But lately it’s been more and more of a struggle.
I feel drained. Really frustrated with the way things have gone. I can’t go into detail (that would be stupid of me), but I will say a few things.
Some Black institutions (be it educational and/or corporate entities) can push you to joining the Klan. I’m talking buying a pick-up truck, slapping a Confederate flag on the back of it, then taking a hammer and knocking one of your buck teeth out and turn into a real-life Uncle Ruckus. This doesn’t apply to all (I deal with a couple), but a significant number of them, which is a terrible average.
I am many things, but a professional still ranks among the top of the list. As you sow so shall you reap. I’ll leave it at that.
Another aspect of the twitch could be things not working out the way I planned, and opportunities (burgeoning on several now) that have slipped by. Such is life. You deal with it, move on, and keep changing your plan until you find one that works for you. Ok, I get that. And despite the tone of this post, I do believe I will be fine. But I want to be better than fine in the future, and to be honest, would rather be fine right now rathern than later. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, eh? I know, I know. I believe I can fly, too.
You can only read “you’re a great writer,” “you’re a good writer,” “you’re a strong writer,” “you’re an incredibly talented writer,” “you have so much potential to grow” accompanied by the ever-annoying “BUT” without become maybe a little jaded, no? They’re only making room for the right people to get it, huh?
Then there’s the notion of knowing when you’re being played, and the realization that in any other instance, you would immediately give the person playing you an instruction on how they can go fuck themselves. But alas, you have to grit your teeth, suck one up for the team. Or you find a sponsor – which I really hope would happen already. Are there any blog readers willing to trick and treat for your man? C’mon nah, don’t be shy. I won’t do anything for you, but hey, I’m good company. I send nice emails, too.
Humor. That’s my vice. It helps me deal when bad things happen. ‘Tis why I’m hilarious.
Alright, I’ve already exposed way too much. I know I’ll be fine, but I wanted to vent, and it’s my blog so why not use this medium to do so. I’m sure some of my friends are tired of me. I hope not, but I wouldn’t fault them. What can I say? I don’t believe in lying. It's not an issue of if for me, it's more like when and all that takes place between 'when' and now. If it helps, I’m still always encouraging of my friends even when I get tempted to go on a shaking spree. Now if only people of similar lineage could be as gracious. Mmph.
But speaking of encouragement, thanks to those that every so often, randomly tell me they love my shit and that I make their day or bring a smile to their face. It’s appreciated. Soon those words will come with a really pretty contract. But until that day, the hump fight moves forward.
This, twitch, though. It has to stop. It’s not actually noticeable, but it’s hella annoying. I feel like if it lasts any longer, my left eye is going to have a stroke and my new nickname will go from ‘Twitchy’ to ‘Wonkie.’
Black women: Ya'll are angry, at least according to Fox News. And we all know how credible they are, so tell me, what's with all that rage? Bad perm? Did a curling iron attack you? Do you still not get that bitch and hoe are terms of endearment now? Really, what gives?
What makes you so angry? Is it racism? Sexism? Oh wait, ya'll do have to deal with both, huh? I can only imagine. No wait, I can to a degree. Eh, that's gotta suck.
But c'mon, you have Fox News anchors and commentators worried about you. I'm sure they're truly trying to understand why taking Black slang and using it in an insulting manner might be upsetting to a Black woman (and men). Or why you would roll your neck at Bill O'Reilly when he expressed shock that a restaurant owned by a Black lady named Sylvia could be just like any other Manhattan restaurant, and that no one there was screaming, "M-Fer, I want some more iced tea." (Yes, he really said that.)
Wait, why am I even entertaining these clowns? This is Fox News. If you want to talk anger, explain to me why so many of these wealthy white men are screaming at each other acting like Pablo, Kisha, Jammal, and Muhammad have access to their ATM card? Exactly what does a wealthy white man have to be mad about? They don't use curling irons, do they?
Blah. Why doesn't Fox News just release a press release declaring their disdain Black people and get it over with? That way, we don't have to keep dissecting every instance of racist overtones in their coverage of colored folk?
Half of these people I've never heard, and a good portion of the other half I hope to never hear from again. There's also a version with some old Will Smith lyrics. I'm almost certain at least two would be rappers down the street, my Uncle, and the girl at McDonalds with the bad attitude have all recorded versions, too.
Yeah, it's gotta stop. I will say, though, that Fab's version is nice. Still, enough.
Any day now I'm expecting Barack Obama to drop one. I can already see Michelle dancing on stage to it.
1. Do you believe Mashonda’s insinuation that Alicia Keys is a homewrecker?
2. Now that video has surfaced showing Amy Wino making racist jokes, are you waiting for a Black crackhead to beat her ass the next time she hits up the crackhouse?
3. Is that real hair I see or have the Koreans stepped their game up?
4. Sexy, right?
5. Ladies: Is her re-launched clothing line headed to your closet or back to Ross?
6. Jealous?
7. How much longer do we have to wait for her sophomore album?
8. Can TVT please free Teedra Moses?
9. Just how many more times is he going to tell us that he’s happily married and in love?
10. Is it his world now?
11. Or hers?
12. How does he manage to look fantastic one day, and like this the next?
13. Am I the only fool that can’t stop listening to Dream’s “I Luv Ur Girl?”
14. Is Keri Hilson the next big thing?
15. Is Girdy back to giving lap dances?
16. Though I love the new single, has John Legend sold out with his obvious attempts to go mainstream? 17. Who knew Huey Freeman was a real person?
18. How many more vocoder-enhanced songs are we going to get this year?
I thought it was just a joke, but maybe there's something to this.
First, that sick urinary tract deficiency having, Zorro swagger jacking, illiterate piece of shit child molester R. Kelly was found not guilty on fourteen counts of child pornography.
What deaf, dumb, blind, and broke person looked at that tape, saw that fool piss on an obvious Black girl lost, and thought to his or herself, "That ain't R. Kelly. That's his body double?"
He married a 15-year-old girl, was known to hit up McDonalds playland like it was happy hour to scoop up underage girls yet none of that was convincing enough (you know, besides a videotape) that he needs to be having a fiesta in prison to jurors?
Even if the girl in question and her trifling ass parents were bought off to deny they were committing statutory rape on film, people do have eyes, don't they?
Once again, society proves that they could give a less fuck about little Black girls. He'll be back to stalking high school dances before you know it...if he hasn't started already.
And just when the day wasn't bad enough, Tim Russert has passed away. If you don't know who that is, he is the moderator of Meet the Press and one of the greatest political minds in the media. He was always tough, but fair, and in an era where news and opinion are often blurred, it was always good to see an old school journalist take the words "fair and balanced" and apply them beyond a clever gimmick.
Really? Is men in their 30s singing about shoes they used to fawn over in their teens with women in their early 20s what's hot now?
I've never been big on Js. I cared more about Forces and Air Max's. The one pair of Js I wanted were sold out, so while I do understand the fascination, I'm confused: Didn't Nelly already create some shoe commercial a couple of years ago? Are new ideas that hard to come by these days?
I heard this song a month ago...unfortunately. Ever look at the title of a song, see the artists involved, and know that it's going to suck? That's "Stepped On My Js."
No, for real, ya'll: Nelly's in his 30s. He doesn't have anything else to talk about? Not to say he has to be in a boring suit heading for court (as a lawyer, not a defendant), but do these men ever grow up? No wonder there are sites like Go Old Head.
Ciara and her fresh pack of Korean hair both look great in the video. Is it me or does she seem hard pressed to come across as sexy and uber feminine as possible these days? We get it, CiCi: You're a woman. That hermaphrodite rumor was just jokes.
Back to Nelly. Tick, tick, tick. The clock is running out. If that first video weren't proof enough, this new jingle for Jordan should be. I'll never understand why artists who sells millions of albums based on doing their own thing get the idea that going mainstream and trying to sound like everyone else will make them sell even more.
Eh, oh well. We'll always have Country Grammar, and he'll have his Force's, Js, and those country boots Tim McGraw gave him after finishing their duet.
They should’ve never given some of ya’ll a YouTube account.
Prince Bow Wow (hey that’s his user name) took moments of his precious time to upload a video message for the haters. Seemingly dumbfounded, the still lil’ rapper posed some questions for the hater.
Before I get to that, first things first: I gotta “hate.”
“I never hate on a nigga.”
Liar. T. I. Bow was having Happy Meal-sized beef with Lil’ Romeo.
“Hating is like snitching to me.”
You.Are.Not.A.Thug. Never have been. Never will be. Don’t make me send one of my lil’ cousins to whoop your ass.
“You lame for that.”
A grown man named Bow Wow is calling someone else lame.
“Especially if you hating on another dude. If you spend time hating on another nigga, it’s a problem.”
Dude was definitely hating on Will Smith a while back.
“Your husband probably cheating on you.”
You better hope he’s not cheating on her with Omarion.
“You gotta be doing something good for niggas to be hating.”
Two words, one initial, homie: George W. Bush.
“Ya’ll don’t even get paid for hating.”
Perez Hilton is a millionaire.
As for repeating the n-word every other second, and constantly repeating, “I don’t understand:”
Go read a book, you illiterate, son of bitch, and step up your vocab.
Word to Bun B.
“Why hate?”
This has got to be one of the most overused terms ever. Having a discerning opinion doesn’t make automatically make you a hater. I wish people past 10th grade would stop suggesting otherwise.
He’s a pretty good actor, so why not act like someone other than a spoiled, self-involved cocky jackass?
The only Martian I ever cut for was Marvin, so maybe that's why I'll never fully grasp the hype behind this D.A.R.E. failure.
The Carter III is alright (No, I'm not giving it a full review. I thought to, but I'd rather review the list of drugs he consumes than his actual tracklisting), but I will ask if they're for real with calling it a "legendary album?" Then again, Terrance's co-host once branded Alicia Keys a "modern day Sade" so go figure.
Anyway: Off the top of my head I can say Illmatic, Ready To Die, Reasonable Doubt, and It Takes A Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back are examples of legendary albums. Throw in The Fix, and a couple of Outkast's earlier albums if we're purely talking classics.
The Carter III is essentially an album full of dope beats with so-so lyrics that entices you to play a game of "Guess The High."
I don't dislike Wayne as much as I did before, but I still find him to be very overrated. If he pieced together some of his better mixtape tracks and made a more cohesive album perhaps I could be persuaded to sip the Kool-aid. But he didn't, so instead we get an album where he clearly played it safe hoping to secure as much radio airplay as possible. That helps with mainstream airplay but does little to sway naysayers into believing he's as good as his cup convinces him to be. "A Milli" notwithstanding (the first verse anyway).
"Enjoy" this freestyle.
By the way: While I have your attention, can any of the female readers enlighten me as to why some women always cheer those lines that basically translate into I'm going to f*ck her, then dump her?
And dude is really trying to harmonize at the end. I never liked that song.
I thought I could resist the urge to comment on Usher’s millionth + one statement about marriage and fidelity, but I can’t. I love when celebrities instruct you to leave something alone as they continue to address it again and again…and again.
This time Cosmo is the lucky pub being entertained with the poster child of melodrama’s musings on being hitched and being faithful.
And while Usher insists marriage and commitment have changed his life for the better, he admits monogamy doesn't come naturally to him - and he has to fight his wandering eye.
The star tells Cosmopolitan magazine: "I'm good at making love, but I'm not good at being in love. It's a conscious decision every day to love the person you're with."
If you have to force yourself to love someone everyday, you don’t love them that much. That’s one of the dumbest comments I’ve ever read and to be a newlywed, you would think he’d be a bit more chipper about the lovey dovey aspects of being legally bound to another person.
Why doesn’t he just come out and say, “Y’know, for the longest I thought the only person I could ever really love was myself, but I’m trying – yeah, man!” and leave it at that.
When he’s not talking about how happy he is to be married, he’s talking about how difficult it is to be married. I understand that everything isn’t black and white, but c’mon nah. He’s on some back, back, forth and forth thing with this.
This is a problem I have with people who get married because “you’re supposed to.” You know, when you reach a certain age or a certain amount of unwed children, you think to yourself, “Well I might as well do it.” It reaps of force, and since self-involvement is a running theme in our society, that’s not going to lead to a lasting relationship. All you do is invite misery and pass on your problems onto your children. Believe me.
Not to mention he seems to look at marriage as a get-out-of-being-a-jackass pass. Being in a relationship or even having strong feelings for a person can change you to a degree. But if you’re not together before you enter a union, well…
I have a different concept of love than Usher does.
To me love is sitting down and forcing yourself to like a Rihanna ballad and re-evaluating your original thoughts that she sounds like a Billy Goat. Or listening to a certain song that reminds you of the time when you acted like a nervous lame because that person had you shook. Or being excited about getting a drunk dial at 4 a.m. because you love talking to that person no matter what time it is (you’re actually happy they thought of you). Or risk being hit with a lightning bolt because it’s been a while since you kneeled to pray, but you do it because you care. Or making a complete idiot out of yourself several times over in an attempt to show your feelings are as real as the list of Superhead’s sexual partners is long. Or taking a good long look at yourself, and realizing that you’re crazy and you should really work on that. Or trying to be the best friend you can be because if nothing else, maintaining a friendship is important to you. Or knowing even if you can’t have them, you want them to be happy (though you will hate on whoever they end up with like they once gave you the burn). Or saying all of this mushy shit as you maintain that you are no punk ass bitch.
Those to me are examples of love, not bitching to the press everyday because they don’t co-sign your marriage…as if you needed your personal decisions to be validated by the media anyway.
But hey, what do I know, I’m emotionally bowlegged (crippled is just too cruel a term).
This is a piece that was supposed to run somewhere else, but you know. Anyway, I made a few changes to it and decided to post it here.
We’re all one people, he said. Those “spin masters” and pundits: They slice and dice America into little colored pieces of red and blue, guising the truth that the country isn’t as divided as depicted. It was that type of “hope mongering” included his keynote address of the 2004 Democratic National Convention that helped a then unknown Barack Obama gain national prominence.
By not invoking the history of racial strife in America, Obama has been able to avoid marginalization as the race candidate. But while his historic campaign confirms progress, the multiracial senator's campaign has been by blanketed by race for much of this primary season -- lending credence to the suggestion that this country is still heavily divided along racial lines by the very cynics Obama has dismissed.
In fact, that division gave Hillary Clinton fodder to continue what many considered an unwinnable fight for the Democratic nomination long before she finally conceded.
Arguing why she is the stronger candidate, Clinton told USA Today: "I have a much broader base to build a winning coalition on." The “broader base” she was referring to consisted of “working, hard-working Americans, white Americans” and whites without college degrees.
In that same interview Clinton claimed, “There's a pattern emerging here.” Indeed, didn’t they used to call it “the southern strategy?”
Subtly has never been the Republican Party’s strong suit, which is why Kentucky Congressman Geoff Davis dismissed Obama’s foreign policy credentials with, “That boy's finger does not need to be on the button." What did Michael Evans say about the word boy again? How long before he’s called a nigger?
Although Obama has delivered speeches on race in a nuanced fashion atypical of politicians, conservatives like Pat Buchanan have yet to deviate from the status quo, penning works such as “A Break for Whitey,” where Buchanan maintains “no people anywhere has done more to lift up blacks than white Americans.”
Division has not been limited to race. An internet generated rumor has led to a sizable amount of the population believing that Obama is a Muslim. A Newsweek poll released last week revealed that 1 in 3 voters either believe Barack Obama is a Muslim or they couldn’t identify his religion at all. Too bad there wasn’t an accompanying poll that asked, “So what if he was Muslim?”
For those not victims of internet hoaxes, there are plenty of conservative commentators repeating the Illinois senator’s full name of “Barack Hussein Obama” hoping to link the presidential hopeful to Islamic extremists.
Such is the case for Fox News commentator Liz Trotta, who referred to Obama as “Osama,” only to go on to joke about Obama’s assassination while discussing Hillary Clinton’s controversial comments in which she cited the assassination of Bobby Kennedy in June as a reason to stay in the race. In her “apology,” Trotta claimed that in a “colorful” political season people sometimes say things they don’t mean.
If this “colorful” commentary of this “colorful” political season is a preview of what lies ahead for the general election, then this country is not nearly as forward thinking as it imagines itself to be.
Just look at Doug Richardson, who when asked about the chances of a woman or Black person being elected President, told the Associated Press: "I don't think we're ready for either one yet." On the now presumptive nominee, Richardson said Obama "just hasn't impressed me. His middle name bothers me a lot."
He isn’t alone. Many others have already used coded words pointing to covert racism. Some have chosen to go with the direct approach.
By fall America will see itself in all its splendor and all its ugliness -- and it’s about time. We’ve largely ignored the prejudices still lingering in this country. We need to admit that xenophobia is as great an American past time as apple pie.
Not to say that we cannot deliver on the promise of America that has energized Obama’s campaign. Rather, in order to know where you’re going, you have to know where you’ve been. For this nation, it won’t require that much of a backtrack.
Instead of focusing on the comical (in a sad way) "fist-pound" vs. "knuckle-bump" debate stemming from Barack and Michelle's display of affection (or I guess "Blackness"), and how it's already been misinterpreted as a "terrorist fist-bump" (you never fail to disappoint, Fox News) I'm going to leave everyone with a bit of optimism.
The first Democratic convention Obama ever attended was Los Angeles in 2000 and his credit card bounced at the rental-car station. He also wasn't able to secure a floor pass and watched most of the speeches on television screens.
And eight years later he's made millions of dollars and has a legitimate chance at becoming the first Black president of the United States -- not to mention the almost as big coup of being elected President without any links to the sperm of a Bush or Clinton.
Not to be outdone:
Things are "moving so fast in race relations a Negro could be president in 40 years. There's no question about it," the attorney general said. `In the next 40 years a Negro can achieve the same position that my brother has.' ... Kennedy said that prejudice exists and probably will continue to ... `But we have tried to make progress and we are making progress. We are not going to accept the status quo.'"
This is from a speech given by Bobby Kennedy to the Voice of America in Alabama. Tim Russert referenced it Meet The Press this past Sunday. The speech was delivered in 1968. Ok, I'm not a Math whiz either, but do the math, folks. Smile.
Little by little, progress is being made
*Note: Senators Dianne Feinstein and Kay Bailey Hutchinson referred to it as a handshake.
A reader sent this to me, making me realize the situation is worse than I thought:
Hey whats up? Ok I live in NYC and seen Usher perform at the Apollo on Friday. Ioono homie. USher is not at his peak. The end of the concert was weak and his dancing was not great. in fact he didn't dance mcuh at all. I found myself paying more attention to his back up dancers than to him even when he did move a lil bit. Also let me just say that this is the first concert I have ever been to that everyone stayed in their seats and didn't try to bum rush the stage. but that also could be because i have never been to a R&B artist concert before. the energy just seemed low in there. oh but here is a sidenote. chris brown, Ciara, Ne-yo and Fat joe was all there in the audience to watch Usher perform. That was the highlight of the night. you better talk to boy Usher. time to step it up!
See what happens when you morph into the R&B version of Star Jones. I bet Chris Brown and Ne-Yo were all laughing their asses off.
For the record, that's not how most R&B concerts are. That's how most concerts with artists who should have taken a longer break before they decided to hop on stage and embarrass themselves are.
I give up. Usher just isn't same artist anymore; he's now the over-the-hill Uncle of that artist. He hasn't even officially made 30, and already he's dancing like he has back problems. This is why he should have stayed in the nursery a little longer before he decided to drop an album.
Between this and threats of being kicked in the shin by Chris Brown's youngest female fans (and his older female fans...and male fans, too, actually), I'm thinking (again) about revisiting this whole "Chris Brown ain't nothing but Al B Sure! with rhythm" grip I have and consider joining the Cult of Chris. I will never fully embrace Justin the Janet Killer, and Ne-Yo the Ninja Turtle's solo work isn't all that impressive to me. What other options do I have outside of forcing himself to watch Moonwalker again? Don't even bother mentioning the Kang of R&B: I'm not going to a crack house for a concert.
You never know how big a fan of an artist you are until they completely fall off. Sigh.
So a stan sent me video of Chris Brown performing on the Today Show to prove to me that Chris can actually sing. But, seeing as though the backing track did most of the work for him, I shifted focus to something more interesting: Noticing how much Chris Brown looks like Howard The Duck with that new Mohawk of his.
I know that's not the best picture to prove my point, but in my defense, I couldn't find one of Howard in shades. I swear to you that the resemblance is uncanny, though.
Anyway, I already know I've been longed branded a Chris Brown hater, but if you can find any video that proves the vocal ability of Usher's understudy, I'm willing to give it a look.
I want to believe his fans, but so far, ya'll need more people...and auto-tune. Chris is a solid performer -- very skilled at blending the styles of Michael Jackson and Ringling Brothers, but that not a great singer make. So, if you have something to get me on board, send it on.
While she may be a decent songwriter, Solange's attitude has always irked the hell out of me. I'll forever remember her stomping around Houston saying, "Do you know who I am?" at a time when Destiny's Child was only a few years shy of being booed at No Limit concerts and still clamoring for mainstream popularity.
Delusions of grandeur aside, I think Solange deserves credit for making the effort to set herself a part from every other R&B video out there. She could have easily drove around the city, hit up a club, or walk around looking lost in a rented mansion in her video, but she instead opted for something more visually stimulating.
Initially, the song gave me strep throat when I first heard it. It sounded like the vocal arrangements were inspired by Harriet Winslow. But thanks to the video, I dig the song now.
I'm starting to think she's about to make the album Beyonce wanted to make before "Work It Out" caught a brick. Solo still gets a bit carried away with her posturing "I'm an artist" shtick, but I'm a lot more curious about her project than I was before.
Someone do me one favor, though: Solange likes to put random words together and call it a song. Like "Wendy's Absolut Disco Sun," or "Wing Dinner With Fries" and "Corona Lime Love Fest."
Can someone tell her to cut that freebasing shit out?
Blog reader Nailah sent this to me, and it put the biggest smile on my face. One, because it’s funny, and two, it’s proof that there are indeed people just as ign’t as I am. Smile.
Now that we have an application drafted, it’s time I launch a casting call for my looming video for “Flat Foot Hoes.”
Keep in mind:
1. If you have any self-respect, don’t bother showing up. There will be no tears on my set.
2. Must be comfortable in stilettos. I’m talking working out on the treadmill like Mariah Carey comfortable. The more stripper-like your go get ‘em girl heels are, the better.
3. If you’re flat, step back.That is, unless I can get a medical assistant to illegally inject you the day of the shoot.
4. Remember that real hair is a privilege, not a right. Therefore, the longer the weave, the longer your spotlight in the video is. Keep in mind, I don’t cut for that cheap hair. If you got your hair, food, and gas at the same place, you won’t be in the video. Maybe the remix.
5. Try to look less Black. Yeah, this ain’t no Jill Scott video. Try using tape to make your eyes appear slanted, or using a Sharpie to add a few dots here and there. Whatever works, because ya’ll know regular Black girls can only get you so far. If you’re not really mixed, lie and say you are. I doubt I’ll notice the difference anyway.
6. Must be able to do any dance on cue. I’m liable to make up at least three dances in between takes.
For example: If I say jump rope and bounce your left titty at the same time, just go with it. It will catch it so long as the beat is hot. Trust me.
7. Be able to drop and give ‘em 50 more. We have to show folks out.
8. If you can’t really dance, just bend over. Same difference, right?
9. Keep in mind that clothes are for suckas.
10. Must enjoy liquor being poured all over you. Yes, even that cheap shit. We’re on a budget.
If you meet the requirements, don't forget to leave a comment. I'll be shooting this with my digital camera.
There’s something about Karrine Steffans that I really hate. It’s not the fact that she’s an opportunistic hoe. I actually find that part of her charm. What gets me is that she comes across as a crazy, inconsistent, possibly bipolar hoe.
One minute she appears on Oprah with a dead yorkie on her head, finally sitting on stainless couch running her mouthpiece as if she’s some heroin ready to challenge the misogyny in hip hop. Then you actually read her first book (which I finally did last summer), and you’re left wondering which peen pleasuring tale actually substantiates all her bullshit claims about wanting to help any woman besides herself.
Last year when she was promoting her second piece of penis literature, she went off on quite a few jocks (no, not like that) for referring to her as “Superhead” and/or asking her questions she felt were beneath her. Naturally, when she appeared on Jamie Foxx’s show on XM, every four letter word came out of her move with fluidity – reminding us that she is in fact still the kneepad enthusiast we’ve come to know and love or revile (take your pick).
Like I said, her using her tongue to get celebrity PIN numbers doesn’t bother me. That’s her business, and if she wants to write books about it and hit VIP status at the free clinic along the way, so be it. Hey, she has more money than me (right now). It’s the phoniness that’s a turn off.
She initially paraded herself around as some victim (she is, just not in the way she painted herself to be), then some shero, and then some intellectual that’s now “above it all.”
Does she regret her past transgressions or revel in them? I guess it depends on the day.
Now she’s back to her old tricks…turning them.
SOHH reported that the New York Times best-selling author has just signed a six figure deal with Warner Books. The first release will be a book tentatively titled Vixen Manuel. It’s essentially an instructional on how to perform fellatio correctly. So you know, when you leave the NBA locker room, millionaires will scream, “BUST IT BABY!” Classy.
Thank you, Karrine for finally staying true to yourself. We all know smart people give the best brain anyway.
I can’t wait to hear which accent she uses on the book tour.
They can’t be serious with this shit. This looks like walk it out as you lean with it, rock with it on your tippy toes -- yahh trick, yahh!
“Yeah, I’m on my tippy toes/Then I throw my arms in a circle like I’m jumpin’ rope”
For real, homie? Is double dutching what’s hot now? I’m usually down for any dance, but I’m not doing this. Who wants to be on your tippy toes at the club? One too many shots and you’ll be tipping your ass to the floor. I’m way too tall for all that. I’ll pass. I’ll stick with “My Dougie,” thank you.
I will say one thing about this song: I’m inspired. This toe breaker of a song gives me even more drive to become hip-hop’s most embarrassing ringtone rapper.
I already have another idea for a future hit: “Flat Foot Hoes.”
Don’t bite.
I'm accepting applications for dancers. Be willing to drop and give 'em 50 in the video.
I need for Hillary Clinton and her minions to accept the fact that she isn’t going to be the Democratic nominee. I watched her speech. “I want to congratulate Senator Obama on the race he’s run.” Correction, Effie: The race he’s won.
The oddest thing about it was before she hit the stage, the audience was asked, “Are you ready for the next President of the United States?”
Hmm, yeah, I was, but his speech wasn’t set for another hour.
Instead of being gracious, and acknowledging that Obama has secured the nomination, Hillvira opted to act as if we have a month of primaries left that will magically transform the fate of the race and hand her the nomination. Hillucinator said: “I will not make any decision tonight.”
What is there to decide? You didn’t win. It’s over. The end.
She also asked supporters to go to her site and write in.
I got a letter for her.
Dear Hillary,
You loss. As in the opposite of won. Now go sit your silly ass down somewhere.
BYE!
Feel free to hit up HillaryClinton.com and share your views.
To her credit, she outperformed Obama overall in the second half of the primary race. Thanks to her husband’s name, fear mongering, and a public willing to greet a Yale and Wellesley educated multi-millionaire (about a hundred times over) as a beer drinking, gun toting down home girl, she did very well in Democratic strongholds. She also developed a strong knack for pandering to the bigot crowd. Because of all of this, in addition to her determination and unwillingness to accept defeat, she took Obama to task, causing him to limp his way to the nomination.
Let’s send her a cookie so I don’t have to listen to her anymore.
Hilldusa had the opportunity to precede Barack Obama’s speech with words that acknowledged the accomplishments of her historic campaign, but set the stage for the reunification of the Democratic Party. It’s time both candidate’s bases come together to reach one goal: To stop Grandpa Simpson from becoming our next worst President ever.
But, while Obama complimented her excessively during his speech in St. Paul, Minnesota, Hillwitch chose to limit references to Obama, thus reaffirming for the millionth time that she’s petty, divisive, and self-serving.
By the language in her speech, you would have thought she had won the nomination. That’s what happens when you surround yourself with a bunch of yes people and possible meth addicts.
She is the female version of George Bush. I’m glad she lost.
Perhaps it’s my fear of going to the doctor and finding out something terrible, but I feel like being nice to Chris Brown today.
Look: I still wouldn’t be surprised if Kraft was listed as his father on his birth certificate, but he’s not completely horrible. There I said it.
I saw video of Usher on SNL the other day. Damn, dude was stiffer than Pissy the Pedophile (that’s R. Kelly to ya’ll) at the playground. So, I have to give Chris some credit: At least he’s somewhat believable in this video.
Will I be begging for his live album anytime soon? No, but today, he’s aight.
What? That’s not a big enough compliment. Fine. I appreciate dude making it acceptable for us lanky folk to dance, and he did a good job in this opener for the Movie Awards (which I didn’t know still aired, but ok, MTV).
Normally, I tend to think his choreography is a joint venture between Ringling Brothers and Michael Jackson, but here I enjoyed it. He did a good job.
It didn’t dawn on me until I read it on Rich’s blog, but recently my blog had a birthday. For three years I’ve written about any and everything on my mind and I’ve managed to find a couple of people that will encourage me and all my ign’t ways.
Thanks to the Statcounter, I’ve noticed that people from Iraq to Brazil to Barbados have found my blog. Granted, most of them only stumbled upon this blog due to some Google search for porn, but hey, for 45 seconds, they were on my site so I count it.
Thanks to this site I’ve made great contacts, secured some work, and honed my skills. I love to write and talk my shit, so this has been very therapeutic.
My first blog entry was about a date. The last time I looked at that entry I thought, “The hell was I thinking?” I now look back and laugh at how pitiful I sounded. Ok, I don’t really laugh at all. I sounded simptastic, but what can you do?
If I had known blogs would become as huge as they have, I seriously would’ve stopped going to class and just posted a bunch of gossip. It’s done wonders for Perez Hilton.
I’m grateful to anyone that’s ever read my blog and those that continue to read it. I’m especially grateful for the random emails I get every now and then. They typically arrive the second I contemplate pawning my degree or finding a pimp. Kidding, kidding – about my degree anyway.
A lot of people are just now finding the site. That lets me know I really need to master the art of self-promotion. Having said that, tell more people to come here. Like lit agents, and development executives, and really attractive people into witty men and sponsorship.
I wanted to shock the world with my latest project, and show the world that I am a man now. This album is a journey that captures the moment in my life when I realized one very important thing: My mother is getting old, and I’ve got to find some other old lady to take care of me.
Who’s gonna love me when I’m down, ya dig? Who’s gonna be there for me when my star fades (like that’ll ever happen, but let’s pretend)? Who’s gonna burp me?
And so I found Tameka…A BEAUTIFUL, STRONG BLACK WOMAN.
Look at her! Yeah, man!
And you would think people would be happy by the fact that I found a woman who would both take care of me and cut up my carrots! Not to mention help me make my future masterpieces: Usher V, Usher, VI, and Usher VII.
Yeah, man!
But instead of people being happy about that, people keep starting rumors. Talking about my wife changed all the locks at my house, my wife tried to put my mother in a home, my wife tried to have Chilli sent back to 1992.
No, man!
And I can’t even focus on my masterpiece (well, second masterpiece, you do know Confessions is the new Thriller – YEAH MAN!), because of all this shade.
I love her to death and I'm a strong Black man in America standing up for my people. I coulda been like any other man who has a child and live with that woman and continue to mess around and make another Confessions album. Instead I’m doing it the right way – for my wife, my son, and my family.This is how you’re supposed to do it. I’m giving the fellas knowledge.
Yeah, man!
Knowledge like my wife is not 40 years old.
Stop that!
So I’m tired of ya’ll talking about me and my wife. What do I have to do to convince people of our STRONG BLACK (super duper BLACK) LOVE?!
I'm so happy, man.
Happy. Happy. Happy.
---
Dear Usher,
First off, if you’re happy, that’s wonderful. Having said that…
That’s a sippy cup full of “shut the fuck up” juice. Take it to the head.
You try to portray yourself as so much more mature than you used to be, but so far you’ve been acting the same way only now you found someone willing to be legally bound to your bitch fits.
Whenever you drop an album, you typically irk me with your delusions of grandeur, but I normally dismiss it because I like your music enough to ignore it. But since your album sucks, here we are.
What does you marrying a woman 40 almost 40 have to do with standing up for Black people? Is your being married a gesture to Black folk? Why do some people demand praise endlessly for something they're supposed to be doing anyway?
And if I'm not mistaken, you were cheating on Chilli with her while she was still legally married. Yeah, that's how you do it, fellas. I might be dead wrong about that, but that’s part of my point: You won’t shut up about this stuff, thus leaving it up for debate in the public.
I respect your right to defend your wife, but you bring your personal life into the public, so why do you act surprised when people comment on it? Better question: Why do you care?
Let me give you an example: You’re a Big Ben Vereen looking sum bitch. Now you could come at me, call me a fake ass Debarge or clown my teeth and toss a carrot at me. Or you could remind yourself that you’ve largely been considered a sex symbol, so who cares what I think about your looks. That makes sense, right? Why not apply that logic to criticism about you marrying your Auntie?
You feeling compelled to reiterate again and again (and again) that you and Tameka are so happy makes you look insecure. Do you think Beyonce cares that some people are worried that her first born might come out looking like a KOOL cigarette ad, or that Jay pays any mind to talk that his daughter’s first word will be lacefront?
They haven’t even confirmed or denied whether or not they're married. When it comes to answering questions about their relationship, they drop subtle hints then release a single together the second people stop looking at them. That works for them. Go find your own way, because this whining every other day shtick is not the business, pimpin’. Stop worrying about people comments on your happiness.
Rambling on about Tameka when you ought to be apologizing for that album. Here I Stand? Man, I should trip your ass.Now go finish giving Tameka her pedicure. She ain’t got all day.
The second I get a little annoyed by Barack Obama, I’m reminded that there’s no way in hell I would ever consider voting for the alternative. Thanks as always, Karl Rove.
1. Do you believe Mashonda’s insinuation that Alicia Keys is a homewrecker?
2. Now that video has surfaced showing Amy Wino making racist jokes, are you waiting for a Black crackhead to beat her ass the next time she hits up the crackhouse?
3. Is that real hair I see or have the Koreans stepped their game up?
4. Sexy, right?
5. Ladies: Is her re-launched clothing line headed to your closet or back to Ross?
6. Jealous?
7. How much longer do we have to wait for her sophomore album?
9. Just how many more times is he going to tell us that he’s happily married and in love?
10. Is it his world now?
11. Or hers?
12. How does he manage to look fantastic one day, and like this the next?
13. Am I the only fool that can’t stop listening to Dream’s “I Luv Ur Girl?”
14. Is Keri Hilson the next big thing?
15. Is Girdy back to giving lap dances? 
17. Who knew Huey Freeman was a real person?
19. Who’s flier than Captain Rihanna?
Instead of focusing on the comical (in a sad way) "fist-pound" vs. "knuckle-bump" debate stemming from Barack and Michelle's display of affection (or I guess "Blackness"), and how it's already been misinterpreted as a "terrorist fist-bump" (you never fail to disappoint, Fox News) I'm going to leave everyone with a bit of optimism.
